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Monday, February 9, 2015

Dear Wall Street Journal,

I am having withdrawal pains, separated from you.  Every day, I agonize so much without you on my doorstep.  But, just like quitting cigarettes, the separation gets easier, day by day, especially since, during those last few days, you were a "no show" .833333 percent of the time.

It's now been about two months since we parted.  I miss your business pages, the art pages, Jason Gay, but most of all, the Saturday edition with the hilarious economist, whose name I have already forgotten. (I never could stand your editorials and always looked the other way.)

Wall Street Journal, you asked too much of me, to hang with you when you stood me up five of six dates of our last week together!  Please!  What's a girl to do?

Since you've been gone, I have begun a new relationship, just a "trial," with the Times, only on weekends, which I hope doesn't upend my planned resumption with you since it's you I long for, my first love.

Valentine's Day approacheth.

Yes, I am willing to give you another chance, Wall Street Journal (once my relationship ends with the Times).Your kind invitation came in the mail ($99 for six months!). Thank you very much! A much better price than your original offer of $150 per month!  (Wall Street Journal, get real!) It pays for a girl to hold firm to her principles and not succumb to wild pitches.

And when your trial ends, Wall Street Journal, if we are still a "twosome," if you haven't stood me up again, I'll end with you and pick up again where I left off with the Times and go back and forth.  It pays a girl to have suitors competing for attention! If only I had enough money and time to spend with both of you every day. With the Post we could have a menage a quatre!  For I especially like to compare your book reviews with the Post's and see who's copying whom. 

I haven't detected that yet in the Times, but we just started dating.


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